Hiatus

-This is best read with a chilled Rose-

It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I’ve been struggling with what to say.  I have a dozen drafts but I felt like I was starting to to sound like I was trying to hard; and not being myself.  I realized that I was trying to please whoever was reading this; although I’m pretty sure there are only like 3 people who know I do this.

Then I also realized that I was trying to not talk about CT because people keep telling me to “GET OVER IT” and I realized that while I understand I do need heal and move forward this is my process.  This is not anyone else’s healing process, it wasn’t anyone else’s relationship it was mine.  The same is true for my healing process.

So what is about this that has been so difficult; so different for me?  This was the first time that I have truly been crushed by a love.  This leveled me.

A person who  I trusted and gave my full self to made me feel bad for loving him.  Treated me like a piece of trash after giving him my all for 2 1/2 years.  I’ve come to realize that in loving someone so selfish I lost my self all while having been in a relationship where I thought I was finding myself.

I figured that the only way to build myself back up without becoming the former armored self I was for years prior to this relationship was to understand it.  Here’s what I understand…

I understand that I don’t understand any of this, I am finally simply feeling.  I am simply feeling more than I’ve ever felt before.  I know that I might not be doing it right, maybe I should learn to cook or do yoga every day or take a bunch of classes.  But that doesn’t feel like me; I would be doing exactly what I hate.  I would be doing something because it looks good to everyone on the outside.

Instead I’m going out too much and enjoying time with my new dog Rodney, I’m reconnecting with new friends and old friends.  I’m dating, sort of.  I have been afraid to write in my journal to even feel my feelings and see my words.  I have come to watch the same shows and movies over and over for fear of a new show opening up emotions I don’t want to feel any more.  This is what people don’t understand; I don’t want to feel like this anymore.  And I know that everyone will say “Then Don’t”.  Thats easier said than done when you never really got a chance to understand the reason that things ended; you’ve been trashed, lied to and cheated.

So I’m just going one step ahead at a time.  So to the world I know I don’t have it figured out but I need to do this on my time, my way and I will make missteps but if I am afraid to even see my own words and feel my own feels I will never actually get through it the right way.

That I know.

*This guy helps