-This is best read with a chilled Rose-

It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I’ve been struggling with what to say.  I have a dozen drafts but I felt like I was starting to to sound like I was trying to hard; and not being myself.  I realized that I was trying to please whoever was reading this; although I’m pretty sure there are only like 3 people who know I do this.

Then I also realized that I was trying to not talk about CT because people keep telling me to “GET OVER IT” and I realized that while I understand I do need heal and move forward this is my process.  This is not anyone else’s healing process, it wasn’t anyone else’s relationship it was mine.  The same is true for my healing process.

So what is about this that has been so difficult; so different for me?  This was the first time that I have truly been crushed by a love.  This leveled me.

A person who  I trusted and gave my full self to made me feel bad for loving him.  Treated me like a piece of trash after giving him my all for 2 1/2 years.  I’ve come to realize that in loving someone so selfish I lost my self all while having been in a relationship where I thought I was finding myself.

I figured that the only way to build myself back up without becoming the former armored self I was for years prior to this relationship was to understand it.  Here’s what I understand…

I understand that I don’t understand any of this, I am finally simply feeling.  I am simply feeling more than I’ve ever felt before.  I know that I might not be doing it right, maybe I should learn to cook or do yoga every day or take a bunch of classes.  But that doesn’t feel like me; I would be doing exactly what I hate.  I would be doing something because it looks good to everyone on the outside.

Instead I’m going out too much and enjoying time with my new dog Rodney, I’m reconnecting with new friends and old friends.  I’m dating, sort of.  I have been afraid to write in my journal to even feel my feelings and see my words.  I have come to watch the same shows and movies over and over for fear of a new show opening up emotions I don’t want to feel any more.  This is what people don’t understand; I don’t want to feel like this anymore.  And I know that everyone will say “Then Don’t”.  Thats easier said than done when you never really got a chance to understand the reason that things ended; you’ve been trashed, lied to and cheated.

So I’m just going one step ahead at a time.  So to the world I know I don’t have it figured out but I need to do this on my time, my way and I will make missteps but if I am afraid to even see my own words and feel my own feels I will never actually get through it the right way.

That I know.

*This guy helps

A long weekend recovery

-This post is best shared with a large glass of Cabernet-

So as we all get back to life after a long weekend of fun;  I find myself in a very sad state.  To be clear I had an AMAZING weekend with friends.

It was filled with long walks to Harvard Square, smoothies, resting by the Charles, a BBQ in the rain with friends I hadn’t seen in a while,  heck a young kid even told me that he was impressed that my dogs butt was so clean.  All in all it was a ton of fun.

So why am I left feeling this way?  Because there is a void missing what would have been a long weekend with my ex; instead he’s doing those things with his new girlfriend.  We have been apart for 7 months after 2 1/2 years together and many of my friends and family; even my therapist, know I need to do something to get over this.  That being said I have also read that living in that sadness is also important.  So I guess it’s time to tell a big part of the story of how I got here.

CT and I met while I had moved back to Boston from LA and we were working in the same restaurant.  He was like no one I had ever been interested in.  He is 9 years younger than me, a little hipster-ish mixed with hippie, and not anything about his lifestyle was what I thought I would be with.  We became friends because he and I would close the restaurant together and I helped navigate a crush he had with another person we worked with.  After a while we would go walk his dog after close and have some whiskey from a flask; not to long we started hooking up.

In my head I thought oh this will be fun; and who knows if I’m staying in Boston or moving back to California.  I never thought it would be serious.  However that was not the case.  He opened a side of me that I hadn’t realize had been so closed; it was like the hard candy shell around my heart busted open.  I came back to some of my hippier roots; and learned to slow down.  It was living with him that made me start to rethink what I really wanted my life to look like; not what I thought everyone expected my life to look like.

CT became my best friend, I loved his kindness, he made me want to experience more of life than I was.  Every fiber of me fell in love with him. We laughed together, slept in just to be next to one another, got day drunk after brunch, had great sex, read the little prince together.  So much was amazing. I truly believe we both wanted to spend as much time together as possible; both learning about new experiences TOGETHER!  I thought I found my lobster!


I got to the point where wanted to move forward together.  I saw a life together and when ever I would talk about it, clearly it was pressure.  We talked about getting our own place instead of living in his rent free friends mothers house (a whole other topic!) and then he got nervous because he thought I wasn’t happy.  The truth was I was trying to figure out how we were navigating this as I could feel him pulling away.  After taking a break and getting back together we got pregnant.  I lost the baby due to a horrifying ectopic pregnancy that landed me in emergency surgery.  Oddly enough in those 4 days we grew closer.  Once recovered I was struggling with my job; my current boss wasn’t treating me the same as other directors costing me commissions.  CT hated my “relationship” with my phone and didn’t understand a full time job because he didn’t have rent and could work at the bar 2 days a week.  On top of that the medical bills came in and I didn’t think I could ask for the money from him that he said he would help with.

During this time I started to feel him pulling away.  I asked him one morning “what are you thinking babe”  He sighed and said “really I’m thinking about sex 90% of the time”.  My heart sunk we couldn’t talk anymore and he still wanted to have sex all the time.  I started to feel very scared for us.  He started saying I was too intense, and never happy, and he would never talk to me about anything real. Every time I tried to relate to him or make sacrifices he would only see the glass as half empty.  Like working from his families cape house he never understood that for me to work during the week that remote; meant I still had to get up and when he invited a ton of his friends to party I had to get up in the morning while people were passed out.  I couldn’t just toss aside my responsibilities. He saw me as not being happy rather than acknowledging I was going because I wanted to and excited to spend time with him I just had responsibilities.  I wanted him to try to understand my life as much as I tried to understand his.

I was traveling for work and dance; and he started hanging out with another coworker, we will call her Dee, who until now I had bee 100% cool with.  Then my gut started to tell me that I should pay attention.  Remember CT and I started dating of his woes of liking another woman that wasn’t reciprocating.  This is a pattern for him.

She started to be weird with me when we were all together, he started inviting her and another friend over and making them brunch when I was out of time, he would hang out with them on nights he knew I was busy.  I found all of this out on social media; not from him. When I told him I was uncomfortable he got super defensive and was like “these are my friends!!!”  Yet when we went to therapy his big problem was that he was constantly jealous and worried I would cheat.  #thingsthatmakeyougohmmmmm

On Halloween I called him from work because he seemed so sad that morning, he said I just don’t know what to do.  I asked “do you even want to be with me any more” CT said “I don’t think so”  I went numb.  I left work and went to his house to talk to him.  I was furious and hurt.

He ended up going to the Halloween party that night, a party we were supposed to  to together, ironically a party at Dee’s house.  I found out from him a week later that the kissed 6 hours after breaking up; and slept together 12 hours later.  Oh yeah and I got fired 4 days later.

After the breakup I found out that the two of them spent the last 4 months running around telling everyone I was “crazy”.  I was running into Dee on the train in the morning going to work.  They seemed to be everywhere.  Dee’s friends even sent me SnapChat’s of them in bed together. #classy

So now this void; I have worn the brunt of accusations, the pain of the breakup, the financial stress of the surgery, and he gets to plug in another relationship and not feel anything.  Like I was nothing.

He turned out to be nothing I thought he was and it hurts like hell; because those 2 and a half years were real for me.  The way he treated me and discarded me was heart wrenching.  So as silly a word as it is; I never got closure and I’m trying to get there but damn it its a process.  A process that still hurts.  Looking at it a blog post feels so surreal, it’s so clinical and doesn’t touch the depths, yet it’s also cathartic to see it paired down.  There are still many good stories I’ll tell, but it can be  as simple as this.

So what are the lessons here; I’m capable of this kind of love, all of this says so much more about him than me,  and I want a man who is truly kind not being nice so people like him.  I may be almost 40 but I want a real partner, someone who is authentic, someone who knows who they are and don’t need justification from others to feel good about themselves.  That is worth waiting for.

Oh Yeah and the silver lining is my dog’s butt is apparently really clean.


-This post is best enjoyed with a very dirty martini-

As I have been starting to get my single sea legs back I find myself going out quite a bit.  Yes I’m on dating sites but I still find that the good old fashioned meeting is far more exciting.  Luckily for me I have great friends from various parts of my life, at varying ages, with various interests; so I can get out and ideally meet people in many venues.  I’m finding that is easier said than done.

Basically Dating Sucks.  So I’m going to just enjoy my time with my friends and nurture those relationships.  Last night was one of those nights that will forever be a “remember when” moment for me and my friend Leah.

I met Leah because we both liked to watch football at a very small dive bar on Sundays and although she is a Giants fan we have become friends.  Like many of my friends now Leah is younger than me.  Most of the friends my age are married, getting married, having babies or buying second homes.  I’m just happy I got a dog last week. (more to come…)

Heading over to Leah’s to meet up with her and her friend visiting from Ireland I was digging my outfit although I quickly realized I looked like a dirty pirate hooker.  (Imagine grey knee high flat boots, grey jeans, basically a version of the Seinfeld puffy shirt just sluttier, denim jacket and huge earrings)  Even with that realization I still was digging it.  One point to me for learning to care less what people think about my clothes.

Since we were up for something different we decided to get out of our neighborhood bubble and head over the river into Boston.  I suggested we go see a friend I used to work with who manages a little restaurant in the north end; he had promised if I ever came to visit drinks were on him.  Things escalated quickly.

Within moments of sitting down at the bar, my old coworker (we’ll call him Peter*) was bouncing around us and asking us if we wanted to get stoned.  We all looked at each other and shrugged, sure.  Minutes later Peter came by and said OK lets go outside.  We wandered outside to the side alley near the restaurant and were joined by two other patrons, who we thought also knew Peter, turns out they had just paid their check and he simply invited them out.

So there we were, smoking a joint outside (cause now it’s legal) with someone I found myself catching up with, a good friend, her good friend and a random couple that looked to be about 23ish.  After finishing the joint Peter said “well I guess I should get back in and get back to work”.  The 5 of us found ourselves talking about politics which is scary enough with some of the people you know; dangerous when it is two total strangers.  Not only two strangers, but ones that, if I’m going to be honestly judgmental, I feared wouldn’t share any of our very liberal political views.  Lesson learned; don’t judge a book by it’s cover.  Somehow that lead into the  fact that Leah is a teacher, our new friends had a hard time wrapping their mind around the idea that teachers get drunk.  Leah quickly explained that when you spend the day with a toddler who is staring at you while picking his nose and then demanding you hold his snot fingered hand; dirty martini’s immediately after work are necessary.

Leah’s friend was quickly realizing that it was 4am Ireland time and she needed to go back and sleep.

Heading back in to have another drink we found out they had also just gotten a dog; so out came the pictures and stories.  Then the absolute greatest sentence ever uttered came out of our new friends mouth after he did a quick tequila shot with his girlfriend…

“What a night; I’m a little buzzed and I’m just so fricken excited to go home and see my dog!  I keep hoping I look alright to see him!” (He then nonchalantly ran his hand through his hair)

At that point we knew it was time to head out, so we paid our ridiculously low bill (THANKS PETER) and decided to traipse about.  We wandered around and went to a few typical Boston bars, people watching, giggling, half drinking the worst dirty martini ever, and having a heart to heart about the difficulty of finding authenticity in others.  Finally at our last stop standing at the bar sandwiched between the dude falling asleep on his bar stool and the grey sweatshirt mafia on our left; I had an interesting 3 part revelation.

Dating still Sucks especially if this is whats out there.

Thank god I have good friends.

I think the pirate look works for me.

*some names will be changed for a multitude of reasons.  Names not changed know I’m writing about them and I probably like them more than others.

The Hits just keep coming…

So as in many romantic comedies there is always that moment where shit just gets to the point where you go… “Nothing else bad can happen to this person, right?” Things get worse. Two weeks ago was that day for me. And it’s fitting that it might be my first official entry here.

As I mentioned in my intro I had a break-up and lost my job back in November all in the same week. Part of getting back on my feet involved getting a new job; and I had decided to try something new. I had for 10 years worked in Information Security as a sales rep for software companies, as well as a recruiter for that industry. So when I got an opportunity back in January to start with a new small recruiting company I thought to myself; “this is a great time to start something new, you’ve wanted to get out of the crazy world you lived in. I really am ready to have a job that makes me happy but doesn’t run every minute of my life. It is time to work to live life, not live to work.” They offered me everything I asked for and I really liked my possible new boss.   I had a few reservations but this was starting new right? RIGHT; so I took the job.

I got let go after 5 months. Well Fuck.

After leaving the office with my bag filled with the very few things I had kept at there, I wandered to the train and sat down. I just kept looking at my phone thinking it had the answers. Waiting to figure out what I felt; I could put my finger on it. While sitting there A young girl came and put down a package of tissues, I wasn’t crying but I did still have my sunglasses on (yes I’m that person on the train); on the package of tissues was a note. The note said “I’m trying to help my family with rent and food. Anything helps”

I gave her 5 dollars and her tissues back. I came to a few conclusions; one things could always be way worse, two I have an amazing support system and I’ll be fine and I figured even if it was some kinda scam who I’m I to give Karma the middle finger right now.

I got off the train stopped and got a coffee, got home and changed out of my adorable 70’s inspired office outfit and into jeans and a grandfather sweater. Smoked a cigarette on my back porch and enjoyed my coffee (sunglasses were still on), kept waiting for the feelings; any feeling.

I was worried to let my parents know because my mother is an amazing mother and would worry; and I never want to add worry to her life. My step dad would worry but not in the same way; he knows I’m like a cat and will land on my feet, but has been concerned about my mental state because neither of us are sure how much more I can emotionally handle.

And then I felt relief. A relief I hadn’t felt in months, like my lungs finally worked, ironic given that I was smoking a cigarette.  I had been waking up with anxiety and dreading going in to the office. Not able to sleep and blaming it on the break-up which is now 5 months old. Drinking too much to numb. I really wanted to make it work but I was also not happy and this was the push I needed to see that. I didn’t totally agree with the way the business functioned. I was kinda annoyed by some of the people I worked with, and with an office that small that’s a big deal. I didn’t get the training promised me and didn’t care enough to go tackle that myself; which I normally would have. Honestly I was bored. So why had I taken the job and stayed?

Because I thought people expected me to get back on my feet. I thought people expected me to have a certain type of job. I was letting what I though everyone expected of me to drive my decisions. That’s stupid, really stupid. The job was like a band aid for a broken arm.

So now it’s time to actually reset that break. This is an opportunity for me to really look at what the next step is for me; and it’s going to be hard and suck but that is truly what it is.

I have really been on this journey since I came back to Boston from LA 4 years ago. I need to indulge my creative side, I need a place I can contribute and create. I love growing businesses and love that side of things but generic corporate world is also not for me. I ‘m not sure what the next step is going to be but I’m not settling. The universe keeps trying to get me to pay attention to this and after a third time I better not ignore it.

In any good movie this is the moment where the main character finally gives zero fucks about what anyone else thinks and starts to figure out how life works for themselves.

Hello World!

Hello Internet World!

This is the beginning of my story as told from the middle of my life.

So who am I and why do I think anyone would be interested in hearing my story. Well I could say that it is because my friends think that I have hysterical life stories and the way I tell them. Sort of like a romantic comedy but never one that actual works out the way it does in movies.  I’m the main character in the movie but more like the side kick who always finds herself in these super awkward situations.   The truth is I am finding myself on the back side of my 30’s, having spent the last 5 years “finding” or “reconnecting” to myself, changing my view of my career and going through a painful break up.

In doing so I found myself reading lots of blogs, books, listening to podcasts, pinning “meaningful” memes, and scrolling through social media.  Essentially looking for suggestions in traversing this thing called life we are all trying to figure out.   I came up with one thought – “This is all bull shit!”

To clarify; I believe in self help, and therapy and positivity and all of the things that I found when I was searching for a way to relate to others; searching to see if someone else felt the way I did. What I couldn’t find was something authentic. I found a lot of advice, but who was talking about what is real.  I couldn’t find was anything that showed me how people got to that place where they had that “Ahhh” moment.  Not everyone who was touting these mantras just became enlightened, we go through stuff to get there.  Thats the story I want to hear.

So I decided to tell what I know of as real. Some of it will be funny, some of it will be sad, and for sure some of it will be weird. All of it will be unfiltered and real; so if you are offended easily consider this your warning.

I know that my truth may not be other people’s truth, and surely my story is not everyone’s story; but I have something to say…