-This is best read with a chilled Rose-

It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I’ve been struggling with what to say.  I have a dozen drafts but I felt like I was starting to to sound like I was trying to hard; and not being myself.  I realized that I was trying to please whoever was reading this; although I’m pretty sure there are only like 3 people who know I do this.

Then I also realized that I was trying to not talk about CT because people keep telling me to “GET OVER IT” and I realized that while I understand I do need heal and move forward this is my process.  This is not anyone else’s healing process, it wasn’t anyone else’s relationship it was mine.  The same is true for my healing process.

So what is about this that has been so difficult; so different for me?  This was the first time that I have truly been crushed by a love.  This leveled me.

A person who  I trusted and gave my full self to made me feel bad for loving him.  Treated me like a piece of trash after giving him my all for 2 1/2 years.  I’ve come to realize that in loving someone so selfish I lost my self all while having been in a relationship where I thought I was finding myself.

I figured that the only way to build myself back up without becoming the former armored self I was for years prior to this relationship was to understand it.  Here’s what I understand…

I understand that I don’t understand any of this, I am finally simply feeling.  I am simply feeling more than I’ve ever felt before.  I know that I might not be doing it right, maybe I should learn to cook or do yoga every day or take a bunch of classes.  But that doesn’t feel like me; I would be doing exactly what I hate.  I would be doing something because it looks good to everyone on the outside.

Instead I’m going out too much and enjoying time with my new dog Rodney, I’m reconnecting with new friends and old friends.  I’m dating, sort of.  I have been afraid to write in my journal to even feel my feelings and see my words.  I have come to watch the same shows and movies over and over for fear of a new show opening up emotions I don’t want to feel any more.  This is what people don’t understand; I don’t want to feel like this anymore.  And I know that everyone will say “Then Don’t”.  Thats easier said than done when you never really got a chance to understand the reason that things ended; you’ve been trashed, lied to and cheated.

So I’m just going one step ahead at a time.  So to the world I know I don’t have it figured out but I need to do this on my time, my way and I will make missteps but if I am afraid to even see my own words and feel my own feels I will never actually get through it the right way.

That I know.

*This guy helps

A long weekend recovery

-This post is best shared with a large glass of Cabernet-

So as we all get back to life after a long weekend of fun;  I find myself in a very sad state.  To be clear I had an AMAZING weekend with friends.

It was filled with long walks to Harvard Square, smoothies, resting by the Charles, a BBQ in the rain with friends I hadn’t seen in a while,  heck a young kid even told me that he was impressed that my dogs butt was so clean.  All in all it was a ton of fun.

So why am I left feeling this way?  Because there is a void missing what would have been a long weekend with my ex; instead he’s doing those things with his new girlfriend.  We have been apart for 7 months after 2 1/2 years together and many of my friends and family; even my therapist, know I need to do something to get over this.  That being said I have also read that living in that sadness is also important.  So I guess it’s time to tell a big part of the story of how I got here.

CT and I met while I had moved back to Boston from LA and we were working in the same restaurant.  He was like no one I had ever been interested in.  He is 9 years younger than me, a little hipster-ish mixed with hippie, and not anything about his lifestyle was what I thought I would be with.  We became friends because he and I would close the restaurant together and I helped navigate a crush he had with another person we worked with.  After a while we would go walk his dog after close and have some whiskey from a flask; not to long we started hooking up.

In my head I thought oh this will be fun; and who knows if I’m staying in Boston or moving back to California.  I never thought it would be serious.  However that was not the case.  He opened a side of me that I hadn’t realize had been so closed; it was like the hard candy shell around my heart busted open.  I came back to some of my hippier roots; and learned to slow down.  It was living with him that made me start to rethink what I really wanted my life to look like; not what I thought everyone expected my life to look like.

CT became my best friend, I loved his kindness, he made me want to experience more of life than I was.  Every fiber of me fell in love with him. We laughed together, slept in just to be next to one another, got day drunk after brunch, had great sex, read the little prince together.  So much was amazing. I truly believe we both wanted to spend as much time together as possible; both learning about new experiences TOGETHER!  I thought I found my lobster!


I got to the point where wanted to move forward together.  I saw a life together and when ever I would talk about it, clearly it was pressure.  We talked about getting our own place instead of living in his rent free friends mothers house (a whole other topic!) and then he got nervous because he thought I wasn’t happy.  The truth was I was trying to figure out how we were navigating this as I could feel him pulling away.  After taking a break and getting back together we got pregnant.  I lost the baby due to a horrifying ectopic pregnancy that landed me in emergency surgery.  Oddly enough in those 4 days we grew closer.  Once recovered I was struggling with my job; my current boss wasn’t treating me the same as other directors costing me commissions.  CT hated my “relationship” with my phone and didn’t understand a full time job because he didn’t have rent and could work at the bar 2 days a week.  On top of that the medical bills came in and I didn’t think I could ask for the money from him that he said he would help with.

During this time I started to feel him pulling away.  I asked him one morning “what are you thinking babe”  He sighed and said “really I’m thinking about sex 90% of the time”.  My heart sunk we couldn’t talk anymore and he still wanted to have sex all the time.  I started to feel very scared for us.  He started saying I was too intense, and never happy, and he would never talk to me about anything real. Every time I tried to relate to him or make sacrifices he would only see the glass as half empty.  Like working from his families cape house he never understood that for me to work during the week that remote; meant I still had to get up and when he invited a ton of his friends to party I had to get up in the morning while people were passed out.  I couldn’t just toss aside my responsibilities. He saw me as not being happy rather than acknowledging I was going because I wanted to and excited to spend time with him I just had responsibilities.  I wanted him to try to understand my life as much as I tried to understand his.

I was traveling for work and dance; and he started hanging out with another coworker, we will call her Dee, who until now I had bee 100% cool with.  Then my gut started to tell me that I should pay attention.  Remember CT and I started dating of his woes of liking another woman that wasn’t reciprocating.  This is a pattern for him.

She started to be weird with me when we were all together, he started inviting her and another friend over and making them brunch when I was out of time, he would hang out with them on nights he knew I was busy.  I found all of this out on social media; not from him. When I told him I was uncomfortable he got super defensive and was like “these are my friends!!!”  Yet when we went to therapy his big problem was that he was constantly jealous and worried I would cheat.  #thingsthatmakeyougohmmmmm

On Halloween I called him from work because he seemed so sad that morning, he said I just don’t know what to do.  I asked “do you even want to be with me any more” CT said “I don’t think so”  I went numb.  I left work and went to his house to talk to him.  I was furious and hurt.

He ended up going to the Halloween party that night, a party we were supposed to  to together, ironically a party at Dee’s house.  I found out from him a week later that the kissed 6 hours after breaking up; and slept together 12 hours later.  Oh yeah and I got fired 4 days later.

After the breakup I found out that the two of them spent the last 4 months running around telling everyone I was “crazy”.  I was running into Dee on the train in the morning going to work.  They seemed to be everywhere.  Dee’s friends even sent me SnapChat’s of them in bed together. #classy

So now this void; I have worn the brunt of accusations, the pain of the breakup, the financial stress of the surgery, and he gets to plug in another relationship and not feel anything.  Like I was nothing.

He turned out to be nothing I thought he was and it hurts like hell; because those 2 and a half years were real for me.  The way he treated me and discarded me was heart wrenching.  So as silly a word as it is; I never got closure and I’m trying to get there but damn it its a process.  A process that still hurts.  Looking at it a blog post feels so surreal, it’s so clinical and doesn’t touch the depths, yet it’s also cathartic to see it paired down.  There are still many good stories I’ll tell, but it can be  as simple as this.

So what are the lessons here; I’m capable of this kind of love, all of this says so much more about him than me,  and I want a man who is truly kind not being nice so people like him.  I may be almost 40 but I want a real partner, someone who is authentic, someone who knows who they are and don’t need justification from others to feel good about themselves.  That is worth waiting for.

Oh Yeah and the silver lining is my dog’s butt is apparently really clean.