The Hits just keep coming…

So as in many romantic comedies there is always that moment where shit just gets to the point where you go… “Nothing else bad can happen to this person, right?” Things get worse. Two weeks ago was that day for me. And it’s fitting that it might be my first official entry here.

As I mentioned in my intro I had a break-up and lost my job back in November all in the same week. Part of getting back on my feet involved getting a new job; and I had decided to try something new. I had for 10 years worked in Information Security as a sales rep for software companies, as well as a recruiter for that industry. So when I got an opportunity back in January to start with a new small recruiting company I thought to myself; “this is a great time to start something new, you’ve wanted to get out of the crazy world you lived in. I really am ready to have a job that makes me happy but doesn’t run every minute of my life. It is time to work to live life, not live to work.” They offered me everything I asked for and I really liked my possible new boss.   I had a few reservations but this was starting new right? RIGHT; so I took the job.

I got let go after 5 months. Well Fuck.

After leaving the office with my bag filled with the very few things I had kept at there, I wandered to the train and sat down. I just kept looking at my phone thinking it had the answers. Waiting to figure out what I felt; I could put my finger on it. While sitting there A young girl came and put down a package of tissues, I wasn’t crying but I did still have my sunglasses on (yes I’m that person on the train); on the package of tissues was a note. The note said “I’m trying to help my family with rent and food. Anything helps”

I gave her 5 dollars and her tissues back. I came to a few conclusions; one things could always be way worse, two I have an amazing support system and I’ll be fine and I figured even if it was some kinda scam who I’m I to give Karma the middle finger right now.

I got off the train stopped and got a coffee, got home and changed out of my adorable 70’s inspired office outfit and into jeans and a grandfather sweater. Smoked a cigarette on my back porch and enjoyed my coffee (sunglasses were still on), kept waiting for the feelings; any feeling.

I was worried to let my parents know because my mother is an amazing mother and would worry; and I never want to add worry to her life. My step dad would worry but not in the same way; he knows I’m like a cat and will land on my feet, but has been concerned about my mental state because neither of us are sure how much more I can emotionally handle.

And then I felt relief. A relief I hadn’t felt in months, like my lungs finally worked, ironic given that I was smoking a cigarette.  I had been waking up with anxiety and dreading going in to the office. Not able to sleep and blaming it on the break-up which is now 5 months old. Drinking too much to numb. I really wanted to make it work but I was also not happy and this was the push I needed to see that. I didn’t totally agree with the way the business functioned. I was kinda annoyed by some of the people I worked with, and with an office that small that’s a big deal. I didn’t get the training promised me and didn’t care enough to go tackle that myself; which I normally would have. Honestly I was bored. So why had I taken the job and stayed?

Because I thought people expected me to get back on my feet. I thought people expected me to have a certain type of job. I was letting what I though everyone expected of me to drive my decisions. That’s stupid, really stupid. The job was like a band aid for a broken arm.

So now it’s time to actually reset that break. This is an opportunity for me to really look at what the next step is for me; and it’s going to be hard and suck but that is truly what it is.

I have really been on this journey since I came back to Boston from LA 4 years ago. I need to indulge my creative side, I need a place I can contribute and create. I love growing businesses and love that side of things but generic corporate world is also not for me. I ‘m not sure what the next step is going to be but I’m not settling. The universe keeps trying to get me to pay attention to this and after a third time I better not ignore it.

In any good movie this is the moment where the main character finally gives zero fucks about what anyone else thinks and starts to figure out how life works for themselves.

Hello World!

Hello Internet World!

This is the beginning of my story as told from the middle of my life.

So who am I and why do I think anyone would be interested in hearing my story. Well I could say that it is because my friends think that I have hysterical life stories and the way I tell them. Sort of like a romantic comedy but never one that actual works out the way it does in movies.  I’m the main character in the movie but more like the side kick who always finds herself in these super awkward situations.   The truth is I am finding myself on the back side of my 30’s, having spent the last 5 years “finding” or “reconnecting” to myself, changing my view of my career and going through a painful break up.

In doing so I found myself reading lots of blogs, books, listening to podcasts, pinning “meaningful” memes, and scrolling through social media.  Essentially looking for suggestions in traversing this thing called life we are all trying to figure out.   I came up with one thought – “This is all bull shit!”

To clarify; I believe in self help, and therapy and positivity and all of the things that I found when I was searching for a way to relate to others; searching to see if someone else felt the way I did. What I couldn’t find was something authentic. I found a lot of advice, but who was talking about what is real.  I couldn’t find was anything that showed me how people got to that place where they had that “Ahhh” moment.  Not everyone who was touting these mantras just became enlightened, we go through stuff to get there.  Thats the story I want to hear.

So I decided to tell what I know of as real. Some of it will be funny, some of it will be sad, and for sure some of it will be weird. All of it will be unfiltered and real; so if you are offended easily consider this your warning.

I know that my truth may not be other people’s truth, and surely my story is not everyone’s story; but I have something to say…