-This is best read with a chilled Rose-

It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I’ve been struggling with what to say.  I have a dozen drafts but I felt like I was starting to to sound like I was trying to hard; and not being myself.  I realized that I was trying to please whoever was reading this; although I’m pretty sure there are only like 3 people who know I do this.

Then I also realized that I was trying to not talk about CT because people keep telling me to “GET OVER IT” and I realized that while I understand I do need heal and move forward this is my process.  This is not anyone else’s healing process, it wasn’t anyone else’s relationship it was mine.  The same is true for my healing process.

So what is about this that has been so difficult; so different for me?  This was the first time that I have truly been crushed by a love.  This leveled me.

A person who  I trusted and gave my full self to made me feel bad for loving him.  Treated me like a piece of trash after giving him my all for 2 1/2 years.  I’ve come to realize that in loving someone so selfish I lost my self all while having been in a relationship where I thought I was finding myself.

I figured that the only way to build myself back up without becoming the former armored self I was for years prior to this relationship was to understand it.  Here’s what I understand…

I understand that I don’t understand any of this, I am finally simply feeling.  I am simply feeling more than I’ve ever felt before.  I know that I might not be doing it right, maybe I should learn to cook or do yoga every day or take a bunch of classes.  But that doesn’t feel like me; I would be doing exactly what I hate.  I would be doing something because it looks good to everyone on the outside.

Instead I’m going out too much and enjoying time with my new dog Rodney, I’m reconnecting with new friends and old friends.  I’m dating, sort of.  I have been afraid to write in my journal to even feel my feelings and see my words.  I have come to watch the same shows and movies over and over for fear of a new show opening up emotions I don’t want to feel any more.  This is what people don’t understand; I don’t want to feel like this anymore.  And I know that everyone will say “Then Don’t”.  Thats easier said than done when you never really got a chance to understand the reason that things ended; you’ve been trashed, lied to and cheated.

So I’m just going one step ahead at a time.  So to the world I know I don’t have it figured out but I need to do this on my time, my way and I will make missteps but if I am afraid to even see my own words and feel my own feels I will never actually get through it the right way.

That I know.

*This guy helps

The Hits just keep coming…

So as in many romantic comedies there is always that moment where shit just gets to the point where you go… “Nothing else bad can happen to this person, right?” Things get worse. Two weeks ago was that day for me. And it’s fitting that it might be my first official entry here.

As I mentioned in my intro I had a break-up and lost my job back in November all in the same week. Part of getting back on my feet involved getting a new job; and I had decided to try something new. I had for 10 years worked in Information Security as a sales rep for software companies, as well as a recruiter for that industry. So when I got an opportunity back in January to start with a new small recruiting company I thought to myself; “this is a great time to start something new, you’ve wanted to get out of the crazy world you lived in. I really am ready to have a job that makes me happy but doesn’t run every minute of my life. It is time to work to live life, not live to work.” They offered me everything I asked for and I really liked my possible new boss.   I had a few reservations but this was starting new right? RIGHT; so I took the job.

I got let go after 5 months. Well Fuck.

After leaving the office with my bag filled with the very few things I had kept at there, I wandered to the train and sat down. I just kept looking at my phone thinking it had the answers. Waiting to figure out what I felt; I could put my finger on it. While sitting there A young girl came and put down a package of tissues, I wasn’t crying but I did still have my sunglasses on (yes I’m that person on the train); on the package of tissues was a note. The note said “I’m trying to help my family with rent and food. Anything helps”

I gave her 5 dollars and her tissues back. I came to a few conclusions; one things could always be way worse, two I have an amazing support system and I’ll be fine and I figured even if it was some kinda scam who I’m I to give Karma the middle finger right now.

I got off the train stopped and got a coffee, got home and changed out of my adorable 70’s inspired office outfit and into jeans and a grandfather sweater. Smoked a cigarette on my back porch and enjoyed my coffee (sunglasses were still on), kept waiting for the feelings; any feeling.

I was worried to let my parents know because my mother is an amazing mother and would worry; and I never want to add worry to her life. My step dad would worry but not in the same way; he knows I’m like a cat and will land on my feet, but has been concerned about my mental state because neither of us are sure how much more I can emotionally handle.

And then I felt relief. A relief I hadn’t felt in months, like my lungs finally worked, ironic given that I was smoking a cigarette.  I had been waking up with anxiety and dreading going in to the office. Not able to sleep and blaming it on the break-up which is now 5 months old. Drinking too much to numb. I really wanted to make it work but I was also not happy and this was the push I needed to see that. I didn’t totally agree with the way the business functioned. I was kinda annoyed by some of the people I worked with, and with an office that small that’s a big deal. I didn’t get the training promised me and didn’t care enough to go tackle that myself; which I normally would have. Honestly I was bored. So why had I taken the job and stayed?

Because I thought people expected me to get back on my feet. I thought people expected me to have a certain type of job. I was letting what I though everyone expected of me to drive my decisions. That’s stupid, really stupid. The job was like a band aid for a broken arm.

So now it’s time to actually reset that break. This is an opportunity for me to really look at what the next step is for me; and it’s going to be hard and suck but that is truly what it is.

I have really been on this journey since I came back to Boston from LA 4 years ago. I need to indulge my creative side, I need a place I can contribute and create. I love growing businesses and love that side of things but generic corporate world is also not for me. I ‘m not sure what the next step is going to be but I’m not settling. The universe keeps trying to get me to pay attention to this and after a third time I better not ignore it.

In any good movie this is the moment where the main character finally gives zero fucks about what anyone else thinks and starts to figure out how life works for themselves.